Love Advice from Me (and John Legend) to You
Local author Jordanna Levin shares advice for finding true love from her latest book, Higher Love.
The following is a series of lightbulb moments I’ve experienced while dating, loving and being in relationships. There are truth bombs, love bombs and a few ‘is-she-serious’ bombs – and some are going to be a little harder to take than others. But I learned all of the following lessons the hard way, so hopefully you won’t need to. You’re welcome.
I’ve also included a few pieces of love advice from some favourite love songs, ‘few’ being the operative word. My research assistant Laura and I dived deep into songs, both recent and old, in search of some sage love advice to share in a light and enjoyable manner because we’re fun like that. But to our shock (or maybe not), we found it very hard to find songs that weren’t laced in tragedy, heartbreak or messed-up circumstances (refer back to chapter 6 for more context). After hours of falling into the black abyss of our music library, we managed to conjure up a few great pieces of advice for you. But FYI, it might be a good time to stop thinking your favourite love songs are shining examples of the love you want to create in your life.
Does this love have legs?
Love isn’t always easy (don’t let any rom-com convince you otherwise) but it should never feel like a constant effort to make it work. If it’s hard work and you struggle to feel strong in your personal vibration, it might be love but it’s not a sustainable love, and it’s definitely not a higher love.
Stay present
It’s so easy to project yourself into a future that has yet to be created with a partner you’ve just started dating, but I urge you to stay in the present moment as much as possible. Enjoy each day and the experience you’re having right now rather than worrying about whose house you’re going to move into, how many guests you’ll have at the wedding or whether or not you’ll have joint burial plots.
Take the pressure off
When you date people just for the fun of dating them, rather than interview them for the position of your life partner, not only do you find out things about them that you may have otherwise dismissed prematurely, but it also gives them an opportunity to reveal themselves organically.
Ignore Beyoncé (well, don’t do that, I mean just that one song)
Healthy in love, calmly in love, sanely in love is always more rewarding than CRAZY in love. Are we clear?
Don’t dismiss people too soon
If you feel something on the first date, but things didn’t quite go to plan, give it another opportunity. But in the same vein, if you feel like something isn’t quite right, don’t force it. Listen to your gut.
Actions speak louder than love songs. John Legend, ‘Actions’, 2020
This took me years to figure out. Replace love songs with promises, excuses, and ‘but I love yous’, and you have my dating life up until a few years ago. Words are my jam, but if your partner is not showing you love through their actions and proving that they are ‘active’ in your relationship, then you’re not actually dating or relating to them, you’re having a relationship with their vocabulary.
Vulnerability really is the key to intimate relationships
I learned this the hard way, by seeing vulnerability as a weakness. But here’s the thing that saved me: my personal vibration. You see, with a strong personal vibration you can be as vulnerable as you like because whatever happens when you open yourself up, you can always bounce back. ALWAYS.
Stop questioning why they’re not taken
Have you ever met a great guy and then thought to yourself, Why the hell is this guy still single? What’s wrong with him? First of all, remind yourself that you’re still single and you’re fantastic, and then simply say, ‘Thanks for waiting for me.’
Complicated is an Avril Lavigne song, not a relationship status
Relationships should make life easier, more rewarding and brighter. If your relationship is making life more complicated, it’s time to reassess.
Don’t date someone’s potential
Sure, give them an opportunity to reveal themselves to you, but if you’re chasing the person you desire them to be rather than who they are right now, you’re not actually in a relationship with them. I’ve spent my whole life dating the potential of partners. Trust me, it’s a futile pursuit for you and it’s not fair for them either.
Your worth is yours for validating
Don’t ever let your hope, worth or validation rest in the hands of someone else’s unwillingness to choose you, propensity to change you or inability to show up for you. Your relationship should be based on who you are now. If they can’t accept that, move on.
Don’t ever be afraid to love
Love is big, love is bold, but love will not break you if you enter with a strong personal vibration.
Don’t go changing, to try and please me. Billy Joel, ‘Just the Way You Are’, 1977
This whole book has been making you feel like a whole person, so don’t go changing yourself to please someone else. This is also true for the way you show love. If someone doesn’t like your affection or your words, then they’re not aligned with the way you give and receive love. Find someone who is.
THIS: Don’t ever fight for someone who wouldn’t fight for you
When you say no to people who don’t show up for you, you’re strengthening your personal vibration and raising your self-worth.
Speak your truth
Don’t ever be scared to say, ‘I love you’, ‘I miss you’ or ‘I’m sorry’. All powerful. All honest. All worthy of speaking and being heard. If your words are not received well, at least you can say you were honest with yourself.
Weather the storms together
Ever been trapped between two flooded bridges with your partner and been forced to take refuge in a stranger’s house for five days while suffering from pneumonia? *Putting my hand up over here* No, but seriously, disasters, illness, family deaths or any kind of big life events that force us into survival mode are clear indicators of how a person shows up in a relationship and how you can effectively communicate with and comfort each other.
You’ve got to learn to leave the table when love is no longer being served. Nina Simone, ‘You’ve Got to Learn’, 1965
A relationship is often over long before it ends, and while there is merit (sometimes) in sticking around to make things work, if you’re not receiving the love you need in a relationship, it’s okay to walk away.
Closing one door will open another
The longer you lament a love that was lost, the longer you prevent the next opportunity from coming in. Close the loop. Feel the feelings. Forgive. Get back to strengthening that personal vibration.
You can’t make your heart feel somethin’ it won’t. Bonnie Raitt, ‘I Can’t Make You Love Me’, 1991
I’ve dated a lot of really great guys I just didn’t feel anything for. Forcing it didn’t work and was also incredibly unfair on them. I would be so offended if someone had to force themselves to feel something for me.
Unrequited love is not love
If someone tells you that they don’t love you (or shows you that they don’t love you), don’t make it your life’s mission to change their mind. Instead, take your love for them and turn it back on yourself, a much more worthy recipient.
Nothing sucks joy out of you faster than waiting for a phone to buzz
When you wait by the phone for a text or a call or an Instagram story view, you’re passing your worth over to the other person. Put the phone down and do something that brings you joy instead.
Make this one into a bumper sticker: Rejection is your cue to accept yourself more.
Don’t create a PowerPoint presentation of why you should be together
Convincing someone you’re perfect for them is a sure-fire way to weaken your vibration. I spent the better part of 12 years trying to convince an ex he’d passed up ‘the one’. I did everything short of presenting a TED Talk in his honour. What I should have been doing is finding the person who didn’t need to be convinced.
Sometimes, love is where you least expect it
I cannot stress this enough. You can’t predict how you’re going to meet someone, so quit walking around with preconceived ideas that might be potentially blocking someone incredible from coming into your life.
Don’t try to change other people
Change your hair, change your clothes, change your underwear (please, change your underwear), but don’t ever try to change someone else to fit your expectations.
Admit when you’re wrong – it’s a superpower
When you can admit that you’re wrong, you become the strongest person in the room.
Text from Higher Love by Jordanna Levin. Murdoch Books RRP $32.99.