Faces of Byron: The Addict
Faces of Byron
Faces of Byron is a poetic series inspired by the unique personalities who live and breathe Byron Shire values, either residing here or holding it strong in their hearts. Get to know the quirky, down-to-earth and inspiring humans ditching the nine-to-five and exploring a new way of being. Our in-house storytellers share tales straight from the lives of quintessential Byronites, be they long-time locals, new residents or those simply passing through.
Faces of Byron: Ben McDowell
Story by Rebekah Reeve
From Addiction to Connection
A common misconception is that we don’t get loose when we’re sober. I don’t miss drugs because I don’t want help from a substance to be myself. I can’t even do it once in a while because I have such an adrenalised, addictive personality.
If someone gave me drugs, whatever the amount that was there I’d take it all. If someone gave me a huge bag of something you wouldn’t see me for three weeks until I’d finished it all. I couldn’t just have a little bit, no way.
I think that’s because my soul is here to experience things in the deepest possible way. I’m only here for a little while, I don’t want to be experiencing things on any kind of surface level; I want to be going deep into everything as much as possible.
My family moved out to Australia from England when I was eight years old. My mum was pregnant with her fifth child at the time; houses over there were too small and there wasn’t enough space, so my parents decided to move here.
I struggled because I had to leave all of my friends. It was so isolated here in Melbourne, no one was out playing outside. Back in England, we’d be out playing soccer every day, playing Yu-Gi-Oh! Cards and Beyblades, Pokémon, video games; it was a real community.
I remember feeling very alienated, like I was really tossed around by fate. I had no support and I was going through a really hard time at home too, so I didn’t feel supported at home either. I just had this kind of lurching feeling of being exposed with no protection. That continued up until the age of twenty-one.
There was this huge depression, huge anxiety and huge loneliness. I was never able to settle with a group because I felt so unworthy, I felt like, why bother, because it’s just going to be taken away by something out of my control.
So, I was this person with a hundred thousand different friends, always like this vibrant being of light, but I was so empty inside. All of my power was superficial, directed towards garnering attention from people in passing. I could never sit down with someone and let them see me when I was not feeling amazing. That stopped people from getting too close.
I was on alcohol, weed and cigarettes, all day, every day. Sometimes I’d do ecstasy or MDMA. If I didn’t quit, I would have died, I was at that kind of place.
A big turning point for me was when I found a group of people that were hugely loving. That was five years ago when I went sober.
I realised that I had to feel worthy of love and when I saw the people that were loving, people I wanted to be with and they invited me out, I needed to actually say “yes” and I needed to go out with them.
Instead of comparing myself to them I needed to feel like maybe it could be good, ask myself what could be good about the situation, because I was always focusing on what could go wrong and that would cripple me because I had all this social anxiety and I’d never be able to go out.
I’d gone through so much pain, so much aloneness and I couldn’t keep doing that, there’s no way. I wanted to have meaningful connections, just to be able to go deep and hold myself well with love while I talked about things.
Five years ago, there’s no way that I could talk to someone in a deep way. I would feel the really strong need to please them and to need that person to like me, to show them I’m worthy of love and that my story is good enough, that I’m good enough.
Now, I love going out and getting that feeling, that ‘go home Ben you can’t do this, look at everyone they’re so relaxed’ feeling. I just go “bullshit!” “Fucking bullshit, its bullshit this is not me, I’m a fireball, I’m a magnet for social love and beauty” and I just go out into that mist, that fear and I just expose it as bullshit.
Social interaction is a growth opportunity now. Everyone says, “what are you on man? You’re crazy” and I’m like “I’m fucking sober mate, this is it”.
My passion right now is coaching people who have addictions, cigarettes, alcohol, weed mostly; just feeling like complete victims of their situation.
Having drug addiction in my past, you could not pay me millions to give that up, you could not give me any amount of money to give up that past, its beautiful and I invite everyone who’s gone through addiction to start to realise that power. It’s a gift.
By Rebekah Reeve
Ben McDowell Coaching
Helping people with addictions, anxiety and depression to make deep, meaningful change and live their best selves.